Silent Demands

I don’t know what to believe anymore. It’s part of me that knows, another part that wishes, and another part that goes, for something. Just anything it wants to make happen, anything it wants to seek after, and leave me there to pick up the pieces of a shattered dream. Whether it be love for the heart, or love of greed, some part of me just can’t succed, possibly there’s an outer force, or inner, that’s working on stopping me. I don’t know if I want to stop it anymore, can’t understand why I’d let it slide, why I’d just allow my own happiness to slip by, why death doesn’t seem so potent, why sadness is more evoking, why tears are more relieving and smiles are more painful. I just can’t get it, I don’t understand, I don’t see how people can live with these silent demands. And when I open my mouth to expand my ideas, I feel diseased. Like my mouth is it’s own organism looking to seize me. It’s going to be the life of me. It’ll be my death, it’ll be my one-second-longer when I have nothing else left. And I just don’t understand, and I can’t understand, how people can live with these silent demands.

I just feel like talking, I feel like saying, and when I have confidence, I feel like praying. I feel I want to be brave, and I want to commit, but when the opportunities present themselves, I back out quick. There’s a part of me that wants to try, maybe dip my hand and coat my fingers in white, maybe venture out into the other side that has so long eluded me because of my pride. I just want to know, I want everything now. Just can’t get why I feel such a cloud, looming over me waiting for my failing. Can get a grip on my ship isn’t sailing, and I’m so close to quitting, giving up with ease. Letting everything I worked hard to push an inch forward just slide away from me.

I feel like I’ve failed but I’ve won it all the same. I feel like Life is no longer just a game I want to play. I’m just really sick of trying to cut corners, for once I want to breathe, and not have to deal with my freaking failings of my sad reality.

I just can’t it and I don’t understand, how people can live with these silent demands.



Honeymoon Phase ~song lyrics~

Sweeter than a momentary taste of honey of the lips, I dream and I wish
Frequently that one day my dreams will finally bless me
For I have, had enough of my own fantasies overwhelming me constantly
Lurking over my shoulders plotting for it’s fail
And ooh, when I dream of love
And what it could possibly spell out for the two of us
I always see it as a fairytale
But that’s what scares me for all lives are always spelled out in reality
And all shades of the honeymoon phase soon turn grey

Well I’ll pack up fifty bags, maybe fifty three
If you’re up for the challenge baby, follow me for I’m gonna try to outrun love
I’m gonna keep on dreaming baby just because
I’m gonna be asleep til I’m a hundred and three
Maybe til the day the heavens come for me cause
I just wanna stay
Locked down deep into the honeymoon phase

Brighter than a collection of a gazillion stars and maybe fifty moons I
Always figured love was just a casual fling, something just to get you by, but
Baby when I met you,
Feelings felt way too surreal to be true
Always a question forever doubt
If this was route that my life would lead
And ooh, when I think about you
And all the wonderful things that love could create for me and you
There’s just a part of me that feels a bit insane
For all shades of the honeymoon phase…soon turn grey

Well I’ll pack up fifty bags, maybe fifty three
If you’re up for the challenge baby, follow me for I’m gonna try to outrun love
I’m gonna keep on dreaming baby just because
I’m gonna be asleep til I’m a hundred and three
Maybe til the day the heavens come for me cause
I wanna stay
Locked down deep in the honeymoon phase

So see me as you did when you first saw me,
And never forget how you felt
For when I see you I always see you how we met
And for that I’ll never regret when I

Pack up fifty bags, maybe fifty three
Ready for the challenge and you’re coming with me for we’re gonna, outrun love
And we’re gonna keep on dreaming baby just because
We’re gonna be asleep til we’re a hundred and three
Maybe til the day the heavens come for you and me cause
We’re gonna stay
Locked down deep in the honeymoon phase

So pack up fifty bags, maybe fifty three
If you’re up for the challenge baby, follow me cause I’m gonna try to outrun love
And I’m gonna keep on dreaming baby just because
I’m gonna be asleep til I’m a hundred and three
Maybe til the day the heavens come for me cause
I just wanna stay
Locked down deep in the honeymoon phase



Awww, I actually really like this song. lol



Shhh, It’s a Secret!

Shhh, keep quiet for these are the secrets we all know of each other, but speak in an undertone undercover.
Shhh, nobody can ever know directly that you have failed yourself, they may be able to judge you based on how you compare to everyone else
But it’s not fair, it’s downright cheating, if you decide to be upfront about your imperfections and face the beating.
It’s too confident for others to face that maybe just maybe, truth is the answer in this place
Of disrespectful deceit, of those taking great leaps, to accomplish great feats of the things we never think we need.
We never think we need love, and never dream to own,
Hardly ever wish we could have it all wrapped around our bones
Cause we are simply living life as if there’s much else to do
Just going about the rhythm that people tell us to
We never will admit to ourselves that we are just a group of brain-washed drones, who are alone in our hearts that we supposedly call ‘home’
And we won’t admit that we are the most imperfect angry set that has crashed on this planet without any regret
We won’t admit at all that we fail time and time again, well at least not until we know we’re on the top spot in the end.
But just to be imperfect? Just to own up to our faults?
That’s a vision too fogged up to ever think of clearing up
But yet, we are everything but perfect, and all but a win
But shhh, nobody’s supposed to know any of that in the end.





Cause’ it’s a secret…. ;)


The Dream Year

One of those days have arrived, that it’s about time I stop pulling over to the side while I watch others succeed. It’s about time I stop dreaming about what life could be, and start making it my very reality. It’s a tingling sensation that’s making my toes curl, a violent realization that making my mind swerve, and I have to give it attention, it’s the one thing I’ve been intending to revolve my life around. It’s the one thing my dreams always mention. That it IS my decision… to be happy.

It’s my goal to be alright with me. In my soul to succeed in what I wanna be, it’s in my heart to wanna take a path that’s not defined with crafted words and confusing math. I’ve got my idea, I’ve got my destination and my journey starts at the end. About like how I used to finish my mazes where I should have began and it’s not a sin. It’s just my own simple visualization, but it will be my own hesitation that holds me back. That’s the one true fact that if I don’t end up where I’m destined to be at, I was the only person who held me back.

No amount of doors slamming in my face, no amount of negativity filling my space should ever stop me again from marking my territory in this place. I am not just a body with a head, nor a species with two opposable thumbs, I am someone to be reckoned with and matched by none.

There’s fire in my eyes and a furnace in my heart. Whether I sit here and cry it out, this feeling will never part. It will just keep lingering until the forest is set ablazed. I’m not about to stop now, I feel kinda insane, but this is just the vicious fire that sets in your soul when you know that you just can’t stay at the bottom anymore. One of these days you have to pick your sword up and fight and you gotta keep swinging until you make things right.

No more feeling bad, feeling bored and feeling lame, I know exactly the strategy I’m using to win this game. If I shall even die before my destiny arrives, I will die changing and be buried with a smile. Cause for once I wasn’t normal, I was just being me. And I died going on a mission that the Universe set for me.

I’m about to change, my destiny has been arranged, and can’t nobody stop me from feeling this certain way. There’s ribbon in the sky, there’s a fire in my eyes, and I’m daring to dream big with the Universe by my side.




Perhaps this thought, this feeling, this dream
Is something I have yet to accurately reveal
Perhaps this is a definition not ready to be defined
Perhaps this is a conclusion too divine, too long to tolerate in time
Or maybe it’s my fear of concluding this chapter
I’m not ready to read my “Happy Ever After”
Maybe it’s a part of me that feels it’s not really there? I’m too scared, to admit
I may actually hit another dead end have to call a quits
But I don’t feel scared nor brave
There’s not a part in my body that I feel needs to be saved
It’s just there, constantly scraping at my soul
And it needs to be addressed but it’s a feeling one cannot know
It’s not describable, there aren’t enough words buried in my brain
To make this feeling salvagable, I feel halfway insane
For I feel it’s a good thing, but I also feel it’s bad
What kind of life, love, and journey do I have?
I want to conclude that it’s a blessing in disguise
I want to conclude it’s something good for my eyes but then, I have to frown just a teensy bit, so unsure
Something deep down inside me feels like it’s not the cure
What I’m seeing and what my eyes hold in sight, what it wants to wrap up so tight
But I feel like this could all be a lie, and that’s what sets inside me fright
And the need to fight.
And the urge to bite…back.
Ha, but what’s that? Just an automatic nerve, I suppose, to know that all my fighting won’t go unnoticed
That all my screaming won’t be unheard
That all of my lining up won’t be unswerved
And all my straghtening won’t be unturned
But I have a nerve
Deep down in the tissues and atoms of my heart
And its bound to split me evenly apart…
One of these days
Oh yes it may.

Perhaps it’s forever embedded in the blueprint of my finger
This waning feeling that forever in me lingers…


Wait On God

Nothing was going right so at last she looked high,
Trying to figure out if God could see her through the sky,
“Help me please, God! Oh, I need so much!”
God didn’t answer, she was so out of luck

“I feel so alone, I can’t pay my bills,
I can barely get food on the table as it is
My family is angry, my friends have left
Please help me God, I have no one else!”

Still she stood looking at the sky so blue
Feeling as if she didn’t even have GOD to turn to
She cried into the night, hoping God would hear
And He would finally come to help her mend her troubling fears

But then morning came and the woman then realized
God hadn’t appeared not once during the night
He hadn’t listened to her prayer, hadn’t thought about her stress
Hadn’t given two cents about giving her the best

Her eyes welled with tears, feeling she couldn’t get any worse
Even the Most Almighty Power didn’t feel she was worth
Any time or any patience, and divine recognization
Any love or any hugs, she felt like giving up

But maybe she wasn’t asking Him in the right way to come
Maybe He had heard her but was waiting for her to succumb
Maybe He was waiting to see the humble in her soul
Maybe He was waiting for her to say she loved him so

“God, I’m sorry, I apologize for what I’ve done
Whatever I did that upset you, how I spoke to someone
I don’t know what I did, but I hope You will forgive
But please help me, God, what have I done to deserve this?

I may not be the best person, but I sure can’t be the worse
I don’t turn my nose up to people and lower their self worth
I pay all that I owe, I never steal, never fight
I try my hardest everyday to make sure everything is right

So how come you aren’t hearing me? Is it something that I said?
Is it because I’ve been wishing lately that I were dead?
Well how can I not when I always give my best,
And then someone else recieves the prize I should get instead?

I’m sorry, that was selfish, but please do as You will,
You can give me anything, whatever that You feel
I’ll try to make it work, whatever that You give
And I promise I’ll make it better the longer that I live”

Still no answer or signs, He didn’t seem available
Her tears began to explode, they just weren’t containable
She couldn’t pull herself to summon anymore words
Obviously, even God hadn’t even heard

She layed there in the grass, her soul depleting of hope
She couldn’t close her eyes and so the tears into her pupils soaked
No energy left to smile, no faith to move her hand
She laid their sprawled in depression, glued onto the land

The day turned to night, and the dark warmed her soul
All she wanted to do was to sink six feet into a hole
Have it all end, maybe commit a few sins
Have someone shoot her down and bring it all to an end

But instead she fell asleep, had no energy left to weep
Didn’t dare to dream a dream about counting any sheep
Seconds turned to minutes, and hours to a day
A day and another day, and yet still another day

Then one morning she woke up, the day seemed okay
The sunshine wasn’t depressing and she didn’t feel much weight
The singing of the birds seemed to soothe her in a way
Then she looked beside herself and saw a man who came to stay

“Please do not be startled, I’ve been watching you all week
I know it sounds crazy, but you always make me weak
I never get the words right as they play inside my head
I try to work the nerve up to come over but don’t instead

And I heard about your troubles, I heard what made you sad
And hearing all your crying, oh I felt terribly bad
That I had not been helping, that you I had not saved
That is why I came while you were sleeping today

To tell you that I’ll help, that I’ll pay all of your bills
I have a home for you to stay in and you can do all that you will
Oh please do not lose hope, I feel that in my heart
If you should ever choose me you will never have to depart”

The woman melted in his arms, they fell in love that day
Married within a year and soon a baby on the way
“Oh God” she began “have you been helping me?
Is this your clear-cut sign that you had been listening?”

“Of course I was listening, I was quickly on my way
But see, Child you have to know you caught me on my Sunday
I heard you loud and clear, I’d never leave you blue
But sometimes, even I myself need a break as well too”

She smiled until the sky had turned into another night
Now deep inside herself she felt mended up tight
Now she knows for sure that He will always stand by
Sometimes, you just have to wait on God sometimes.