Dang. He’s got my mind so tortured I can’t even think straight. My heart feels crucified and served on a fine china plate. I just can’t do it, I can’t pull myself to love another man. I can’t pull myself to love anything you understand? Just cut…deep. I can’t even begin to try and fake the mess I’ve created, all the daydreaming I’ve wasted, unwillingly receiving what I knew would be deceiving…but I just wanted to believe it wouldn’t happen again to me. That for once, Life was gonna be fair, and give me the chance to show my unconditional care, allow me to try it test it out, but without a doubt, I’ve been cast out.
I should’ve saw this coming. It really should’ve been a neon light, shining bright, screaming “Hey! Not this one! Turn right!”. Take a detour, switch lanes, anything you can to get him out of your brain. But it’s just… it’s heart breaking, soul aching, deteriorating, how love can blossom and just as quickly burn to a crisp. What really will I miss? A man that never had anything to say? A man that constantly stared me down, not even a smile would come across his face? Should I feel hurt though I feel I did a lot of reaching out on my part. Maybe the clues just weren’t big enough, but they were huge for me. Just being in his presence was a step into reality. But I guess not… he just didn’t understand. Now it’s all over and now I’M in demand.
When I wasn’t even wanting, I wasn’t looking for the love, I was just trying to set my path straight and move on just because. Because I didn’t wanna be miserable, I didn’t want no pain, I just wanted to lay the foundation that would lead to my ultimate change.
And so I’m here again, juggling the same life lesson in my lap. Love is just so sneaky and tricky I don’t know how I can learn from that. Because every situation is new, every man comes with a twist, and you think you got him figured out until you’re captured in sweet bliss. And they blind you with all that fog and make you feel it’s meant to be. Then womp, the fog is cleared and you’re the only one standing in the field.
I won’t penalize anyone ever for feeling the way they feel. It’s up to you and your emotions and if I don’t fit, just keep it real. But sometimes it’s kept too real, you don’t even get goodbyes. You just get left standing in the wide open space screaming to the high heavens “WHY!!!!”.
And that’s what I don’t like that’s what I hate about love. There’s no formal ending, you have to figure out what it was. But it’s all a slow ending that you never get repaired. You just hang the remains on the back of the door so it reminds you to stay prepared.