It seems like I forgot to actually tell you in real life all the things I said to you in my dreams, I forgot to make all that about right between you and me, I forgot that while I’m gazing in your eyes and you’re waiting for me to speak, that you can’t read between my lines or the fact that you make me so weak, I forgot about how to talk to you and move past the hellos and finally ‘what’s your name’, and I surely forgot to mention the fact that I love these feelings you create, and I forgot how curious you would be of me to know how I felt about you, I forgot far too long and now here I go living my hours in blue, no stares no hellos no small curious smile no interest to reach out and touch, no laughing no calling no passing no falling no nothing I’m so out of luck, and even though I now feel you’ve written me off I’ll give my last all to see, that if I take a leap would you stand underneath and stay there to catch and hold me.
Love frightens me…
I close my eyes many days and many nights for it’s the only way I’m sure I’ll get close to you, I can envision your presence and erase all my fears, then melt into your arms as soon as you come near, within my closed eyes you are always in my arms, I am never alarmed nor does my heart rise in an uproar, I can soar for my heart is enlightened with peace, how much stress you can relieve in my time of need and all you need to do is just look at me.
I promise I have never felt so intimate before, though I’ve never felt your touch rest assured it’ll mean much more, for I know my inner secrets I’m so willing to share, I’m so willing to jump into you without fear without a care, but do I dare? Speak the dream? Let the idea unleash on scene? I’ve waited for this awhile for love to show itself true, I didn’t realize it’d come fast nor that it’d come through you, you’ll have to spare me minutes more than a girl who’s tested love before, I don’t know what to do with this it’s starting to feel injurious, but I love being locked in your gaze, and time stops and slows it pace, imagining you so close to my face and waiting for you to accept my embrace. I feel scared in a pleasant surprise, that’s why I never want to open my eyes. Sorry if this is too excruciatingly slow for you, but for me this is amazing and it all feels so new…
Momma said one day, they said enough, father said some day, I’m calling your bluff. There’s no deadline no time limit, this is life and we’re all just jumping in it, different ages different stages different visions different phases, and to my amazement, this is beauty we are creating, for people following along running at all kinds of paces…and speed. Magnifying the negativities, so is greed, to keep en-caged, every individual of rage, and showcase them on television, this is not who we are, this is not who they are, it’s just a tape cut-and-paste phenomenal, and this is the society I’m feeding on, sucking up and breeding from, and this is what I wanna give the kids following my trail? A long history of not caring do what you want and go to jail? I can’t, it’s not in my heart to impart that kinda dream, there’s no doing what you want and getting off scott-free, but because this is Society and because that’s what they do, I have no choice but to live and dwell and do what they want me to, how I hate the brainwashing how I hate they way it works, how I hate the ulterior motives behind the sweetest thing it hurts! I can’t put my mind together perhaps this is why I just can’t speak, just the realization that what you feel is most genuine is not even guaranteed, it’s all a hope toward the future a future that will surely dive, at the hands of greedy senator that sits on his throne to supervise. Kinda leaves a spec of anger in my eyes yeah it kinda gets my hairs standing, knowing that there’s nothing but shallow demanding, but who am I? Again just an invisible child in the distant to afraid and to frightened to fight, with her words.
The stories untold by a complicated girl.
I haven’t given my soul time enough to get it’s mind right, so it’s sitting in the limelight stunned and paralyzed, and it’s angry with the time, it wants to drop out and die, in the darkness it can cry while the world passes it by, no hands or high fives, it’s one emotional ride, heart racing like I’ve found myself in the middle of a midnight drive by, but the bullet is only blasting the enemy racing past me but I’m too fearful to turn my head and acknowledge that it’s blasphemy, it’s hate it’s ridicule, it’s a flashback to high school, it’s a memory etched into my soul far too complex to fully know, I know no who and how I just know I’m in the now and for a girl without a doubt just know that I. Can’t. Stop.
I’m like a driver in the car driving two feet in the dark cause my lights don’t shine that far so I’m trusting in the stars, most days, it’s a wave of a crazy emotional sweat, it’s too much focus to collect and soon I end up in regret, for I thought so much these passing years and now I’m stuck with blasted fears, my heart is turning hard it’s gears but I still end up back…here.
Square one, always with a word in one hand and a decision on my back, the world on my shoulders and disappointment at my feet, wherever I go I will always have a shadow looming over me, I feel hard I act soft I speak my emotions into a song. But still it’s never gonna be enough to truly feel like I belong. It’s a world of miserable assumptions I live in, you’ll never get these voices to fade away, they’ve been following me around since pre-K no they’re never gonna go away. But I’m choosing not to listen, and I’m choosing not to drop.
I’ll be fighting tooth and nail with tears but I. Can’t. STOP.
I just don’t understand and I would love to refuse, this uncertainty lighting a fire under my muse, how you’ve entered my universe invaded and schmoozed and leaving me standing here pleasantly confused, how did you how did you possibly connect, this dots of the future I have yet to regret, this has all turned to mess like a pain that’s been blessed at the hands of a wreck trying to take the next step. I doubt you’ll understand better yet you never will, you won’t ever understand this incredibly childish thrill, all the chills up my spine all the emotions undefined, and the melodic vortex I go through whenever you race across my mind.
Damn, how did you do this how did you do this to me? How did you possibly break the barrier and reconstruct me? How did you find that inner child crying out for your affection? The questions are never ending and the answers almost endless. There’s no doubt that I feel very special on this trip, for some reason on this journey I have gained another grip, though I can’t be sure at all where the future will have us go, i must thank you anyway for the uncertainty I now know.
You can watch my heart beat out my chest, clawing through the protection of a bullet proof vest, so it says, in my mind, let us walk this undefined, let’s not make up our minds and let our souls intertwine, this is a new day and age where nobody stands in line, nobody waits they massacre with no remorse for the blood, they shed with no mercy for causing a flood, but I stand saying I shall be no individual walking unofficial with no reference from the visual. Out of my brain spawns an idea worth the change and I’m bound to it tighter than the steel coated chain that attaches me to failure, hears me across the valley but like a victim in the alley I’m the one that goes unheard.
My voice, dreams and wishes all discarded from the scene, all the childish sweet ambitions suddenly evaporate from me. But I cannot forget them and I for them I have a spot, and for once in my life that inner child I’ve not forgot. But who could understand the crazy who’ll define the inner soul, maybe you might have the time but I’m too busy on a roll. There’s a place I wanna be, in my future destiny, how I wish I could explain it but it’s too complex for me.
Crystals tapping, mirroring smiles,
Bluebirds, majestical miles,
Honey maple hinge, a sapphire fringe
Thirty two crescents in style
Medallions of gold, one-hundred fold, a silhouette glistening of ink
A twinkling dream, a burger supreme, right at the tip of the brink
A heart full of gold, a legend untold, series of unfortunate events
A chocolate mix, a handful of twix, a glass of water freshened with mint
Fingers that bounce and kitties that pounce, standing in still for awhile
Words that I speak and words I receive, an effort to bring up a smile.