I don’t know what to believe anymore. It’s part of me that knows, another part that wishes, and another part that goes, for something. Just anything it wants to make happen, anything it wants to seek after, and leave me there to pick up the pieces of a shattered dream. Whether it be love for the heart, or love of greed, some part of me just can’t succed, possibly there’s an outer force, or inner, that’s working on stopping me. I don’t know if I want to stop it anymore, can’t understand why I’d let it slide, why I’d just allow my own happiness to slip by, why death doesn’t seem so potent, why sadness is more evoking, why tears are more relieving and smiles are more painful. I just can’t get it, I don’t understand, I don’t see how people can live with these silent demands. And when I open my mouth to expand my ideas, I feel diseased. Like my mouth is it’s own organism looking to seize me. It’s going to be the life of me. It’ll be my death, it’ll be my one-second-longer when I have nothing else left. And I just don’t understand, and I can’t understand, how people can live with these silent demands.
I just feel like talking, I feel like saying, and when I have confidence, I feel like praying. I feel I want to be brave, and I want to commit, but when the opportunities present themselves, I back out quick. There’s a part of me that wants to try, maybe dip my hand and coat my fingers in white, maybe venture out into the other side that has so long eluded me because of my pride. I just want to know, I want everything now. Just can’t get why I feel such a cloud, looming over me waiting for my failing. Can get a grip on my ship isn’t sailing, and I’m so close to quitting, giving up with ease. Letting everything I worked hard to push an inch forward just slide away from me.
I feel like I’ve failed but I’ve won it all the same. I feel like Life is no longer just a game I want to play. I’m just really sick of trying to cut corners, for once I want to breathe, and not have to deal with my freaking failings of my sad reality.
I just can’t it and I don’t understand, how people can live with these silent demands.